Tears in the Desert
Joy has decided to be really real and open about herself, and it has challenged me to do the same. So here goes…
It’s dusk on a Thursday evening. I am sitting in my darkened living room and crying. I’m bawling my eyes out. Why? Well…
Sitting here like this, cross-legged on the couch, doesn’t hurt so bad. My normal pain is just a dull ache. That’s a nice thing.
But I also have a very dirty kitchen that needs cleaned. I have a family that needs to be fed. I have laundry that needs to be sorted and put away before we can leave for our trip to visit family tomorrow. And I know that if I get up and do all these things, I will be hurting.
So I am crying because I know that standing up and doing these chores is going to hurt. And I am crying because I feel selfish. I know that my family needs me to do these things, but I just don’t want to do them because I don’t want to hurt. And I’m crying because it feels like it’s been this way for far too long.
I’m not going to give you all the details of my story. It’s been 6 years of pain. It has changed my life in so many ways and set so many limitations on me.
Some days, standing long enough to wash the dishes is more than I can take. Most days I can handle more. But the pain is always there. A constant in my life. I can't take any pain medications because just one regular strength painkiller (I've tried them all) just barely takes the edge off and leaves me with a residual headache for days. I've tried CBD oil. I've tried essential oils.
I have learned so much through all of this. I have been a helpless victim, figuring that I somehow deserved this. I have been so angry with God. I have screamed and cried and pleaded for healing. I have shouted at Him that I don’t deserve this. I have been depressed and woeful. I have been hopeful and faithful. I have been selfish, avoiding doing things because I know how much it will hurt. I have been selfless, doing things even though I know how much it will hurt. It has tested my patience. It has tested my marriage. It has tested everything. There is no way to fully describe this journey. And I have no idea how many tears I will cry before it ends.
But man, I can see the fruit of it. You wouldn’t think that things can grow in the desert, but they can! Some things can only grow in the desert.
I came across this article about the Atacam desert in Chile, which is considered the driest desert in the world. Most of the time it looks like this:
But every five to seven years, a big rainstorm will hit and the result is this:
I don’t know how much longer I have to travel through my desert, but I have hope that the rains will come and I will see the beautiful flowers. And I will get out of it some day. And I will be stronger and wiser and able to encourage and help those who are going through their own desert. I hope. That is my hope, and I’m going to cling to it.
So I’m going to wipe my eyes and put away the laptop and stand up, for as long as I can. And then I’ll sit down and ask my hubby to make dinner.
And you can make it through your desert, too, dear mama! You are strong, and only getting stronger. Ask for help when you need it. Hold on to hope with your whole heart! You will make it, don't give up!!!!
God bless you all,
“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Romans 5: 1-5