Don't Believe Everything You See on...
I've shared a little bit about my husband and my infertility story (see those blogs HERE). It's never an easy thing to talk about but I did say I'd try to share more of our story.
The last part of the journey I shared with you was finding out there was no hope, nothing left, we were never going to get pregnant without help. A year passed between that time and when we got pregnant (three months into infertility treatments).
Today, I wanted to share that part of our story.
It was our third cycle, third try with treatments. This cycle felt perfect, was going perfect, and I had a deep sense that this was it! I felt peace, I felt that this was our baby, even before I found out if it really was or not.
9 DPO (days past ovulation) I told my husband I felt like this was it. I told him to remember this moment and to remember me telling him I felt this was it for when we found out. God had just given me this complete assurance, and since I'd felt that assurance in the past and it had proved true in other circumstance, I trusted it in this one.
10 DPO I wasn't going to test that early, 14 days past ovulation is recommended, but my basal body temperatures were higher than normal (a pregnancy sign) so I decided to test.
It was early, first morning pee after all! I was hiding in my bathroom while the kids ran around the house. I took the little cheapy brand pregnancy test and lay it on the counter...
I waited...
I'd seen so many NEGATIVE pregnancy test in the years past. Three years of negatives! Three years of not even wanting to test because it always hurt to see that nothing was there. No life. No baby. No dream come true. Three years of hoping and being crushed. Three years of loss and sadness. At first not knowing why we weren't getting pregnant, then finding out we couldn't get pregnant at all!
All those cycles of hope, we had none. I think that was one of the cruelest parts. All that hope and truly there never had been any chance... but now we did, now we had a chance because of fertility treatments and I felt that it had worked. I felt that a tiny, little baby was growing inside me, crafted by the hand of God.
I looked at the test...
I saw TWO LINES, one very faint but it was there!!!
A POSITIVE pregnancy test for the first time in my life!
Now, I had been watching the sweet YouTube couple Phil and Alex for over a year at that point. I prayed for them, I wished for them, I found comfort in watching a fellow infertility couple and when they posted that positive pregnancy test for them, that TWO LINES it always looked like this:
The last part of the journey I shared with you was finding out there was no hope, nothing left, we were never going to get pregnant without help. A year passed between that time and when we got pregnant (three months into infertility treatments).
Today, I wanted to share that part of our story.
It was our third cycle, third try with treatments. This cycle felt perfect, was going perfect, and I had a deep sense that this was it! I felt peace, I felt that this was our baby, even before I found out if it really was or not.
9 DPO (days past ovulation) I told my husband I felt like this was it. I told him to remember this moment and to remember me telling him I felt this was it for when we found out. God had just given me this complete assurance, and since I'd felt that assurance in the past and it had proved true in other circumstance, I trusted it in this one.
10 DPO I wasn't going to test that early, 14 days past ovulation is recommended, but my basal body temperatures were higher than normal (a pregnancy sign) so I decided to test.
It was early, first morning pee after all! I was hiding in my bathroom while the kids ran around the house. I took the little cheapy brand pregnancy test and lay it on the counter...
I waited...
I'd seen so many NEGATIVE pregnancy test in the years past. Three years of negatives! Three years of not even wanting to test because it always hurt to see that nothing was there. No life. No baby. No dream come true. Three years of hoping and being crushed. Three years of loss and sadness. At first not knowing why we weren't getting pregnant, then finding out we couldn't get pregnant at all!
All those cycles of hope, we had none. I think that was one of the cruelest parts. All that hope and truly there never had been any chance... but now we did, now we had a chance because of fertility treatments and I felt that it had worked. I felt that a tiny, little baby was growing inside me, crafted by the hand of God.
I looked at the test...
I saw TWO LINES, one very faint but it was there!!!
A POSITIVE pregnancy test for the first time in my life!
Now, I had been watching the sweet YouTube couple Phil and Alex for over a year at that point. I prayed for them, I wished for them, I found comfort in watching a fellow infertility couple and when they posted that positive pregnancy test for them, that TWO LINES it always looked like this:
and
Shock and awe.
Now, I'm sure if you've watched any pregnancy announcements, regardless of where, you've probably seen very similar. There's always a lot of shock, then tons of tears and joy.
I saw my TWO LINES after three years of negatives. I expected to feel what all these videos and announcements show, especially after infertility, it's always tears of joy.
I didn't feel that.
I certainly was shocked (you would be too after THREE YEARS of nothing!). I was in awe in a "This can't be real!" way, but no tears, no joy, a little fear, but mainly disbelieve.
I didn't call my husband, I didn't tell my kids, I didn't know what to do. I felt at a complete loss. What now?!?!? I'd waited and prayed and grieved, and now I had a POSITIVE pregnancy test and I couldn't accept that it was true, that it really meant a baby was growing inside of me.
I immediately went outside, to my "holy stoop" and asked God what to do. The answer: "Enjoy it". I went back inside feeling God's reassurance that this was really happening and it was okay to get excited! So I told my husband. Again, none of this Pintrest, Facebook-worthy, elaborate announcements you see everywhere on social media, just a phone call and he guessed it. Lol! He too, no happy tears, more disbelief but happy.
What is my point in sharing this story?
1st: YouTube and social media is a little like Reality TV. Yes it's real, but it's nearly always over dramatized.
2nd: Don't expect to feel the same way as others! Everyone reacts and responds differently, and those tearful, dramatic videos on social media are great to watch but it's not always going to relate to how you feel or react about things.
3rd: When it comes to us as Moms, with our kids, DON'T believe everything you see on YouTube or _____________ (you fill in the blank). Our kids are individuals, and we are unique in our parenting style and relationships. Don't compare. Don't expect things to be like you see on social media.
We all have our highs, we all have our lows, we are all different, and beautiful, and wonderful. Celebrate that!
Much love,
-Joy
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