My Biggest Regrets

As I nursed and rocked my baby boy before bedtime tonight my mind began to wonder.

My mind began to wonder to my little ones and homeschooling them, and then to my early days of motherhood, and all my mistakes.

I was recalling my perfectionism, my push. My pressure on myself and my little ones. My unrealistic expectations and harsh consequences. I recalled my failing. My regrets.

What do I regret most as a mother?

-Being too hard. Being ungracious. Being too caught up in "getting it right". 

I remember my barely 5 year old Kindergartner learning to write her letters and my insistence that she try again and again till she got them as neat as possible.

My 7 year old and I fighting over homework that left us both in tears of anger.

My tiny infant that I decided to try to sleep train and who was scared out of his mind because I left him and wouldn't come back when he screamed and cried.

These are horrible memories for me. They hold shame and regret.
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But here's the thing Mama. We're not perfect! We can't be! We will blow it, make mistakes, and have regrets. But here's the redemption, here's the grace.

I learned from my regrets.

I learned that relationship comes before discipline, getting it done, and relationship should never be replaced by trying to pursue perfection.

I learned that love wins overs everything. I love my children through everything and they love me. Love covers a multitude of sin and I'm so grateful for that!

I learned to give grace and receive grace... I was harsh with myself, so of course I was harsh to them. I gave myself very little grace and in turn, I struggled to give grace to my kids. I learned the beauty of grace and how it can set us free, not to give up trying, but let go of the perfection and pursue progress instead.

I learned that we are all learning and growing here. I'm learning to be patient with my children's ages and stages and needs. They are learning how to relate and respond and grow as well.

I learned that pushing doesn't lead to learning, it leads to discouragement. As I pushed my children to be better at school, or housework, or whatever it was, I wasn't pushing them to learn more, I was teaching them that their efforts were never good enough. Making effort and progress the goal instead of perfectionism did wonders to make life and learning more enjoyable and relational.

I learned I'll never be perfect. I'm in a constant battle of letting go and giving grace, to myself first, so then I can extend it to my little ones.

The results have been beautiful. Less tension, stress, and anger. More love, forgiveness, and freedom. More growth and learning and progress as my children feel empowered in the process of trying and getting better at things.
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I learned that I am loved with all my faults, all my failing, and all my imperfections. I am loved so deeply and fully that I can be a Mom with regrets and know that it is okay. I'll keep learning, I'll keep growing, I'll never stop. We're all in this together.

Much love,


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