Not a Perfect Relationship
As I drove to my chiropractic appointment last night, I had some time alone in the car so I started praying. "Hi God" is usually how I start out. As I began to share my heart a little with the God who loves me most, I felt like I needed to apologize.
Apologize that my normal conversations with Jesus have been a little blah. That some mornings I just sit and drink my coffee and don't have a lot to say. That the things that I could pray for seem either repetitive, selfish, or depressing. I felt bad.
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I want that close, passionate prayer time. I want to feel the lovey feelings every time I spend time with the Lord. I want... the feeling.
It was a rough year. I felt my prayer life go downhill from about a month into Covid on. At first, I was way praying for our country, for people to realize our need for Jesus, that lives would be changed but quickly I got disheartened and the drudgery of continual Covid restrictions took a lot of the hope out of me.
Then there was moving and all the unknows brought me back to passionate prayers about where He would lead us and what we would do there, what impact we could make... Then, we didn't move out of state like I had thought and we moved locally and it was just plain HARD!
There has been some highs this year and I've had some of those sweet, life-giving times of prayer, but a lot of it... A LOT of it has just been showing up. It's just been sitting down with my coffee and saying "Good morning God, I need You" every day. It's been sitting in silence and looking out my window not having anything pressing to say but yet having a heart full of lots of little sadnesses.
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But, I showed up.
So, as I drove and gave up my feeble apology for not being super engaged feeling during my quiet time with Him, God reminded me of simple truth: "It's not about a feeling, it's about faithfulness".
I may not have "felt" it much over this past year. It may have been a challenging year in all relational areas, including with Jesus, but, I showed up. I'm still there, every morning, to sit in the presence of a God that loves me more than life. That delights in my messy honesty, and doesn't mind my feeble prayers. I show up to meet with a God that gives life and life abundantly and who gives me strength when I have none.
I show up to hear encouragements and truths from Jesus and His Word when I feel all is lost and life feel futile. I show up because I love Him and He loves me and that is truly what matters. I'm sure the "feeling" will return in time. I'm sure there will be many, many times of passionate prayers in the years to come, but when there's not, show up anyway.
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