Now What?

When I first went through infertility (read about that HERE), it was the most cutting blow. From "there is hope, somehow" to "all is lost". It ripped something so deep in me, shattered my picture of how life should go, and left me forever changed.

That initial blow was the worst. That final blow, that "zero chance", that devastation hit in the fall of 2016 after already being hurt by the inability to get pregnant the years prior to that.

I remember, back when I was single, I had a sweet friend that had lost a baby. Her and her husband's daughter was born without a skull, and died shortly after birth. I remember my friend wearing her daughter's name on a necklace. I remember her grieving. I remember the pictures of her permanently sleeping little one around her apartment. Though I'd never felt that level of pain, I watched hers.

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Years later, she was able to not have one, but several beautiful and healthy babies. Was that lost little one ever forgotten? Certainly not! But, she learned to live with the loss and rejoice over her gains.

In my year of complete loss from infertility, I questioned God, I doubted His goodness, His plan. I asked Him "WHY?!" I grieved every single day. God did eventually give me a baby. He did bring healing to my bleeding heart. But did the loss ever go away? Did the bringing of life take back all that had been lost? No, it didn't, because it can't. Infertility, for most, is permanent. 

What I think happens instead, is I've learned to walk hand-in-hand with my losses, with grief. It's not enjoying the losses, it's not ignoring them, it comes and goes, but it doesn't consume my life anymore (at least not often). I can rejoice in all the victories while still understanding and feeling the losses that life has brought my way. 

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So, if you are facing a loss. If you are experiencing pain, acknowledge the truth of what you have lost, take it by the hand, and walk through to the other side. With acceptance can come peace. With rejoicing can come gratitude. Life will bring you pain you didn't even know possible, but that is not the end. Walk through, keep your head up, and you will only grow stronger and more compassionate, if you let it shape you for the better.

Much love,


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