Don’t Let This Happen To You!
I feel like God has been whispering to me about the topic of fear a lot lately, so that is what I'm going to talk about again this week.
Most of you know about my pain journey. If not, you can search "hernias" and "pain" up in this blog's search bar and the various articles I have written about it will pop up. Many kind people have encouraged me by saying I went through those incredibly hard years so bravely, but, me being me, I'm the only one who truly knows how very much I struggled with fear during that time.
Understandably so. It's pretty easy to be fearful when it feels like every single step you take is ripping you apart (it literally was!). The pregnancy I had with my fourth baby was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It's no wonder I was afraid to have another child when insurance was refusing to fix my two open hernias, and then later after the one hernia was botched. That botched surgery occurred when my fourth was only seven months old and left me in even more pain than before. I seriously felt that pain was so powerful over me that I allowed it to hamper the bond with that child. And when I could not get any medical help getting relief from that pain, it's not surprising that I was afraid to have another baby.
Even though it was what my heart longed for. Even more than the healing I so desperately needed!
One day I was just sobbing prayers about it, telling God how badly I wanted another baby. And I felt Him very calmly tell me to have another baby. I found this surprising. I thought that the fact that I had not been healed meant that God didn't want me to have more children. But then I realized that God wasn't the one preventing conception, I was. Because I was afraid. Because I didn't want to go through another pregnancy in that crippling pain.
That day I decided to stop letting the pain control my life. It had already taken so much from me! Was I really going to let fear and pain decide that my children, precious eternal souls, were not going to exist???
So I got off the birth control (which was making me miserable anyway). And after a while we conceived. And I knew our baby was going to be a boy and I knew we were going to name him Asher (though it took a while to convince my husband of that name, haha).
Asher means "happy" and "blessed". And even though my life was no where close to perfect, that was how I felt.
And do you know the crazy part? Just after I found out I was pregnant with him, the surgeon's office called and said the insurance had finally, after TWO years, approved my corrective surgery. But of course I couldn't have the surgery now because I was pregnant! I could have let fear tell me that getting pregnant then was a mistake, but NO HUMAN BEING IS A MISTAKE. Instead we made the plan to have the surgery 6 months postpartum.
And another crazy, amazing thing is that the pregnancy was actually less painful than the one before. Don't get me wrong, it was painful, but just not as bad. And I also had a lot of relief from the pain postpartum, too. I'm guessing because little Asher stretched the trapped nerves out a bit during pregnancy and labor. God really did carry me through those hard times, like He always does.
But even if that pregnancy had been worse than the one before, it would have been worth it. Because my little Asher exists now. I want to weep every time I think about how I could have stayed enslaved to fear and prevented him from being. And what a joy he is!
So my question for you, mama, is what blessing or happiness are you letting fear keep from you?
Please hear my heart, this isn't a blog about how everyone should have large families. I share this story because it's my struggle with fear, but there are many other kinds of blessings that the enemy of our souls doesn't want us to have.
Maybe you need to be brave and talk to your husband about something that you feel is hindering your relationship growth?
Maybe you need to sign up for classes to pursue that career that God is calling you to?
Or maybe you need to quit your job, pull your kids from public school, and homeschool like you have always wanted to?
I don't know what fear is keeping you from, mama, but don't let it! I know the Holy Spirit has been working on your heart. Listen to Him. He wont steer you wrong.
Much love, Mamas!
P.S. This is not a pregnancy announcement. That photo is from 2018.